what to say to a narcissist to hurt them
In my clinical training, I learned the short-cut diagnosis for a narcissistic personality was someone who could never say "give thanks you" or say "I'grand distressing." You may encounter people like that on a daily basis; y'all may work for them or live with them.
Narcissists likewise struggle to forgive, instead seeking vengeance on the transgressor, or peradventure only avoiding them. But a recent study published in Personality and Private Differences suggests that, when it comes to forgiveness, not all narcissists are a lost crusade. Instead, the researchers suggest, there are dissimilar types of narcissists, and some of them might have a greater capacity to forgive than others. The central is empathy.
The report, conducted in Germany in 2014, showtime teased out differences between two different types of narcissism, ane characterized by feelings of admiration and one characterized by feelings of rivalry. Admiration is the propensity for believing self-enhancement by means of self-promotion ("I am not bad") and is considered by researchers to be more adaptive—the "bright side" of normal narcissism. Rivalry is the propensity for antagonistic self-protection past means of cocky-defense ("I want my rivals to neglect") and is considered to exist less adaptive—the "night" side of normal narcissism.
Ramzi Fatfouta and colleagues then looked at whether anger, rumination, and reduced empathy—states associated with the disability to forgive—might predict differences in forgiveness between the two different types of narcissists, people with either the admiration or rivalry styles of narcissism.
The researchers found that people with the admiration way were significantly more probable to be able to experience empathy for the person who injure them, less likely to remain angry or ruminate nigh the transgression, and more able to offer forgiveness.
On the other paw, people with the rivalry fashion were more likely to want to accept revenge on or avert the person who hurt them, and thus are more likely to remain angry, carry a grudge, and less likely to feel the empathy for the other person'southward behavior that could lead to forgiveness.
Farther assay revealed that empathy for the transgressor was the primal to explaining why some narcissists forgave while others did not.
What does that mean for people living with or working with other people whose narcissistic defenses are triggered by social rejection? Most of us feel hurt when we feel social rejection—it's normal when a friend doesn't return a phone call or a spouse ignores united states at a party. In both admiration and rivalry styles, narcissistic defenses tin render the hurt invisible to other people and even to the narcissist themselves ("I am Non aroused!"). It's hard to experience empathy when feelings are cached—and notwithstanding seeing the transgression and identifying the hurt feelings is key to forgiveness.
So what can we do? In my twenty years of providing therapy for individuals and couples, I have found that the only mode to increment someone's empathy and thus openness to forgiveness is for me to be unfailingly empathic with them, with the hurt and pain they feel underneath those automated defenses of entitlement, cocky-enhancement, and aggression when experiencing social rejection. In other words, I never confront the defenses head on, that would only cause the person to get more defensive. Instead I try to model the quality that I'm trying to bring out in them.
This isn't easy when I feel undervalued by their narcissistic qualities. Just I use my empathy to feel into the hurt and pain that drives the need for those narcissistic defenses: "I want my rivals to fail" or "I am great."
I may offset offer empathy for the anger that is the obvious presenting emotion and that I imagine is covering over the hurt underneath. "Of grade, given the way you lot perceived Johnny's behavior, it's completely understandable that y'all would experience the way y'all practice." And and so inquire whether there are whatsoever other feelings too the anger.
If I'g working with someone I sense has the "I am corking" mode of narcissism, I might lean with them toward how great information technology is that they tin self-reflect and explore their own inner experience which just might aid them empathise with the other person'due south feel likewise.
If I'm working with someone I sense has the "I want my rivals" (or fifty-fifty me every bit the therapist) "to fail" way, I might acknowledge their strengths in protecting themselves, validating their anger as an important fuel for that sense of strength, not to be set up aside lightly. And then explore with them what else they might be feeling if they set up the anger aside, fifty-fifty temporarily.
If my understanding and empathy for the anger is sincere enough, the being seen and validated, not judged or rejected, may soften the defenses enough for the person to acknowledge (even so briefly) that yeah, there are other feelings equally well. Being seen in their own humanity, feeling the acceptance of empathy, eventually will allow the narcissist to perceive the confusion, fear, hurt and anger that acquired the transgression in the other person, besides.
Of grade, it is easier for me, as a therapist, to adopt this approach. It is far more difficult if it is your spouse or sibling who is a narcissist. It's a dissever but very helpful proffer to maintain your own self-compassion for yourself—it is not easy and can be painful to be at the event of someone else's narcissistic defenses. In dealing with the admiration style, positive encouragement for whatever behaviors in the correct direction, helping the person to feel slap-up past feeling worthy of positive attending, and sidestepping (declining to reinforce) the negative can help the person move their perception of the transgressor, even yourself, as likewise worthy of some understanding and forgiveness.
In dealing with the rivalry style, I suggest trying to aid the person maintain their sense of strength past existence "big" enough to stay engaged and see the other person's betoken of view, which could allow them to maintain a sense of strength even while opening the door to understanding and forgiveness.
Deep empathy for how challenging it is to exist a human can create a sense of common humanity that can open the door to dropping the grudge and forgiving.
Source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_help_a_narcissist_to_forgive
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